Today, as I sat and searched for cheap tickets to Haiti so that I could go see my sweet Schnider-bug, the tears came. They no longer come several times a day, like they did at first. Now, I can usually mention him without crying. I can glance at his pictures on the wall and not burst into tears. I can even walk in his room and not cry. That has taken a long time.
I have a confession. Until last week, his room was exactly the way it was his last morning here – it looked just like it did that morning 10 months ago when I walked into his room and slowly picked that sweet, sleeping baby up out of his crib and felt him snuggle into my chest. It was exactly the same, dirty clothes on the floor, milk stains on the crib sheet, opened tube of rash cream on the changing table, toys everywhere. The truth? After I got back from Haiti, I hated going in that room. I felt like I couldn’t breath when I went in his room. I only went in when I had to. Like when we moved his highchair from the dining room to his room, several days after I got back. And several weeks later when we were finally brave enough to pack up all the toys from the living room and put them away. The door to his room has been closed since October 2008. Only opened when absolutely necessary.
Last week, in preperation for our home inspection, Keith cleaned his room. Washed and packed away the laundry, put all the toys away, swept the floor. His door has been open since then. Everything is where it always was, the crib, the changing table, the dresser, but it’s been OK. Somehow, it seems to have helped to have it all cleaned up.
As I was sitting here looking at tickets, I couldn’t help but think of the last time I saw Schnider. 10 months ago. 10 LONG months ago. I can’t believe it’s been 10 months. I can’t believe I’ve missed almost a year of his life. He still feels so much like “our” baby. I don’t know if that will ever change. My heart still aches every.single.day thinking about him. I miss him so much.
I can’t wait until I can see him. I want to see how much he’s changed. I want to see how much he loves his mom now – I want to see how much his momma loves him. I actually WANT to see him prefer her over me. I really do.
I can’t wait to be able to hold him, kiss him and hear his voice. It has been so long since I’ve heard his little voice. Sometimes I forget exactly what it sounds like – he has the cutest little voice. Chelsey brought that up the other day and I just had to go home and watch one of the videos from when he was here, just had to be reminded of his voice.
I hope and pray I’ll be in Haiti soon to see him. Soon, soon, soon….